Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Silmarillion Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

1. So this is basically the Elvish Old Testament, right?

2. There is a Tolkien book more boring than The Lord of the Rings!? Amazing!

3. Why didn’t Iluvatar just kill Melkor before he got a chance to ruin Arda? The Valar are next to useless in the whole affair. Maybe Feanor was right!

4. Beren and Luthien and Turin Turambar are the only tales worth reading in this otherwise long, boring, overly preachy piece of nonsense.

5. I really hope Peter Jackson gets to make a three-part film of this. Screw the haters! PJ can add as many original characters, bad jokes, and non-canonical sub-plots he wants to. Just let him do it! I don’t have time to read books any more so give me more movies!

Next Monday: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to Superman Fans

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Return of the King Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

1. You know with the nearly 2 dozen endings this book has you would think at least one of them wouldn’t be so anti-climactic. This book sucked!

2. This novel is extremely un-American. The ending practically endorses patriarchal monarchy by divine right! Burn it!

3. Yeah, the eagles are pretty much useless.

4. I can’t believe Lost in Translation lost the Best Picture Oscar to this idiotic story!

5. So during the continent-wide reconstruction Gandalf just takes off! We have masses of Haradrim, orcs, Easterlings, etc running about and most of Middle-Earth’s backbone such as the remaining wizards, Eldar, and war heroes just split! Worst fantasy world ever!

Next Monday: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Silmarillion Fans

Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Hobbit Fans

Contributor: Rick McGimpsey

1. You know, this book will be much better if we split it into three longer parts with added characters and some bad humour.

2. I loved Lord of the Rings but this book stinks. Why do authors have to make crappy prequels like these just to make money?

3. Why are you reading this silly children’s story? There is a time when you D&D geeks need to grow up and move out of your parents’ basement instead of wasting time with childish, immature garbage! If you need me, I will be in the living room watching Sex and the City.

4. The Hobbit? Isn’t that one of those Dragonlance books you’re always reading?

5. Jeez…this book couldn’t be any more different than The Lord of the Rings! It’s almost as if it was written 20 years apart or something!

Next Monday: Top 5 Things You Do Not Say to The Fellowship of the Rings Fans